


Hire a Samurai

by StolenVampires



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Drabbles, Few Nc-17 ficlets, Ficlets, Humor, M/M, No smuts tho sorry fam, Shit fics for fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-07-24 12:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7509037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StolenVampires/pseuds/StolenVampires
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Knock Knock. It's Jeese McCree.<br/>"Open the Handsoap. Stop having him be closed."<br/>¯\_(ツ)_/¯</p><p>--<br/>Drabble collection</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In where It's a bunch of shitty McHanzo jokes of their romance. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

It started innocent enough. He figured the other man was just a bit standoffish. Genji had been the same way. Reserved, curt, all around broody, (though for legitimate reasons Jesse could very well understand. After all being told you didn't die and were now a cyborg and were missing your bits would put any hot blooded man out right proper). But Hanzo was in his late 30s and seemed more annoyed that he was breathing the same air as everyone else than something sensible.

Like how Winston had insisted that they go around and introduce themselves in a circle and say something about themselves like it was some campfire class. 

Tracer went first, nearly talking for a full minute before Winston cut her off. Angela next. Fareeha followed by Torbjron. Reinhart and Lucio. Hana then Genji. Then Himself.  
"Jesse McCree. Outlaw, best sharpshooter both sides of the Mojave and a mighty fine lookin fellow." That got Fareeha snorting in disapproval while Reinhart laughed, saying how glad he was to see Jesse hadn't changed.  
Then came the brooding one.  
Eye on him he stood, arms unfolding and his head turned to face Jesse clearly taking his statement as a challenge.  
"Hanzo Shimida. A better marksman that you." 

The room damn near went colder than Mei's pet projects with the scathing glare the ninja sent him as he sat back down.  
Thankfully it was Mei who spoke right after, her soft smile and voice masking the ever present hiostility of Hanzo's withering looks at the back of Jesse's head.

When the meeting was over, Genji apologized for the rude behavior, commenting how Hanzo was just the type to see such things as a challenge. So as Jesse noticed him the following day, he made a point to just go for the kill.  
"How about you and me be partners?"

Jesse McCree had never seen a man turn so red and scramble to get away from him that fast his entire life.

It was also in that moment that Jesse McCree made a very important decision.  
He was going to make Hanzo's life a literal hell. Or get the man to smile and laugh. Whichever came first.


	2. McDouble

Hanzo had been told by Hana that 'People think you need to lighten up'. She had a fair point in that Hanzo knew he was stoic to most and very much not personable in general unless he wanted to be. He could fake it to make it as the saying went, but as far as impressing the people and 'endearing' them to him and the newly recalled Overwatch?

Hanzo didn't have a clue how to impress or make himself seem anything but an ex-yakuza family head. Hana's suggestion of a QnA session was a bust after the 'fans' pestered him about not just his relationship with Genji, (which was invasive and rude), but with McCree, (which was also invasive and rude for reasons he was not all too sure of himself). Not to mention he'd discovered that Hana's fans thought him to be a 'Silver Fox' and had given him the nicknames of 'Handsoap', 'Half soup', 'Han Solo', 'Bowman', 'Dragon Dad', and the worst of all, "Handzome Shimidyas'. 

He was not a meme thank you.  
And he was not that old as to not know about such slangs and just exactly what Hana's fan had been implying when they asked about McHanzo.

_McHanzo._

Disgusting.

Still, he ruminated, it was better than Hancree. That just sounded like a small animal that one found as a pest. Not that he wished to be in a relationship with the American. Just that if he was, McHanzo was such a bad combination of their names. He would have preferred Simee. It sounded far cuter to him.   
Not that he wanted to wanted to be with McCree.   
Or that McCree was cute.   
At all.   
He wasn't.

(Cute that is. )

All of this didn't matter however; Winston, who insisted they make themselves seem more human and 'normal' to the people needed Hanzo to help their image. So He'd let Hana set up streams of them on a'game night'. Where the team would play Pokemon Stadium, (a game which he could actually stomach given even he had fond memories of the small creatures growing up).

So in an effort to be more 'light' and appear more 'friendly' Hanzo made an attempt at a joke as he sent out the Arbok to fight the lower level Meowth sent out by Angela.   
"Prepare for trouble." The iconic line from the series of his youth, he nearly had forgotten that in this game and match, it was a team battle. 

He saw the smile on McCree's face as he felt the pure sadistic words that would come next. It was like watching a thunder strike in slow motion as the cowboy sent out a Taros.   
"And make it a McDouble!" Hanzo's face went white as Reinhart and Angela started snickering loudly and Hana snorted her drink.

He sputtered for a moment before he tried to recover.  
"We are eating bratwurst McCree, not disgusting hamburgers."  
"That an't the only sausage you'll eat." He winked and Hanzo was very sure that in that single moment, he had ruined any and all chances of being 'friendly' or 'personable' to anyone who had been watching the newly recalled overwatch stream.

Attempting to summon dragons using a wii controller while simultaneously attempting to strangle someone with the nunchuk was not exactly the definition of a 'friendly' sort of person.


	3. Insufferable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just like the idea of Genji playing match maker

Hanzo was very sure that Genji had set him up. 

This was his vengeance. No matter how much Genji said he'd long forgiven him, Hanzo was positive that Genji had brought him to Overwatch with one purpose and that being revenge. Well, a more justified vengeance really. The reason for Hanzo's suspicions lie with the fact that Genji was tooth achingly serene around him, treating him like he'd not attempted and very nearly succeeded in killing him, but the fact that now, Hanzo was awash with people who wanted to interact with him in levels that were borderline insane.

There was the child who did strange things online.  
An old man who spoke like a commander yet refused to be such.  
An even older gentleman who kept trying to rope him into 'bonding' feasts and bouts of strength tests.  
A very worn short man who built nothing but killing devices.  
A woman who could vanish into time itself.  
A Gorilla. Scientist. But was adamant they were a scientist.  
A man who was a pop star.  
The woman who had 'revived' his brother.  
An Omnic Monk.  
And also McCree.

McCree who seemed to want to rope Hanzo into more than just drinking games and terrible American dress choices.   
Of all people, McCree was the one whom Hanzo suspected Genji had purposely set him to become tactical partners with out of spite at first. Polar opposites, McCree was loud and flashy. Hanzo was quiet and subtle. McCree fancied himself a charmer. Hanzo fancied himself a tactician. McCree fancied himself doing things with Hanzo.  
Hanzo fancied not doing things of any sort with anyone. 

So when Hanzo was told he'd have to become partners with McCree come a tactical mission, he'd asked who had arraigned the pairs. Winston had happily said that it had been Genji.  
Of course it had been Genji.

The mission was to scout out a drop site for Talon weapons smuggling as civilians. McCree and Hanzo's cover?  
Lovers.

Hanzo had choked on his tea when he saw the assigned cover and had screamed in Japanese at Genji over the table in front of everyone. Genji had laughed and told him he was acting like a child. It was 'the only thing anyone could come up to explain why the two of them would be sharing a room'.

Four days and one mission later, Hanzo was sporting a large bruise on his collar bone that no one asked about. No one asked why McCree looked so damn pleased with himself, why suddenly Hanzo would follow after McCree to the shooting range. No one asked what happened but as far as Hanzo knew, they all knew now that he and McCree had become an item.

Having to face down the man you were attracted to coming out of the shower buck naked and flirting with you was apparently the fastest way to get Hanzo to admit his attraction. Embarassment was a sure way to wring an admission from him. It also helped that the final night McCree had taken him out on a date like a proper gentleman.

It didn't change the fact that Hanzo both hated that even after so many years, Genji still knew what to do to get him to act and react.

"Pumpkin? Want me to get you some tea?" The sweet drawl drew Hanzo from his thoughts.   
"Hmm."  
"Okay darlin. I'll grab us some water for later too." Leaving his, (their) room, McCree wandered off. 

Hanzo smiled as the door slide closed behind the cowboy.  
He really ought to thank Genji for being so insufferable.


	4. Shirts and Giggles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Context of the tank in question? Right here fam: https://68.media.tumblr.com/a7cfee639d92b122451926924ea20a19/tumblr_od7hnht3Yw1tw3gaeo1_540.jpg

McCree was left staring at the man he only was allowed to call his boyfriend because 'Lover' and 'Beau' were 'not so wildly acknowledging that they held mutual feelings past sexual attraction' (according to Hanzo). The man was wearing what McCree could only gather was some for fashion designer's drunken idea. It was a simple black tank top. Only on the left side, mid pectoral, was a zipper. At first glance when closed one would assume it was a pocket. But no. No this tank top zipper did nothing. It just opened. Opened and showed off one half of a very attractive pectoral that was covered in an even prettier tattoo and went low enough to show off a nice big 'ol nipple. 

McCree had gotten it as a gag gift. He thought Hanzo might be slightly amused given how often he teased his boyfriend about keeping half his chest bare on the battlefield due to the nature of archery. But no, Hanzo was just as mischievous as him in the most twisted of ways, had actual put the damn thing on along with some butt hugging jeans and the best looking boots he owned.

Hanzo looked downright delectable in McCree's opinion. The problem was just that though. Hanzo was smug in knowing how easily McCree fawned over him and was wearing his outfit around base. No one dared comment on it, and Hanzo acted as if it was no different than any other day. Well, except the fact that Hanzo made a point to exaggerate his movements when he knew McCree was watching. Stretching out over a counter. Into a cupboard. Tilting his neck to show off that part he knew McCree loved to kiss. Flexing muscle here and there.

The only one who had the gall to say anything about the situation was Zenyatta. _Zenyatta_ of all people.  
"You should learn from past mistakes so they will not cause you distress in the future Jesse McCree." The damn omnic had a light teasing in his tone and McCree knew his entire face lit up red faster than jackrabbit on a hot day. He could even feel the burn down his neck and up his ears. As the day drew to it's close, Hanzo came back to their room later in the evening. While he undressed he gave McCree the most smug, self satisfied smirk he'd ever seen on his boyfriend.

"I must say it is not the most practical of shirts for being fashion forward and designer."  
McCree both regret but also was very pleased if this was what it got Hanzo to do.  
"But it certainly did it's job."  
"An- And what job was that darlin'?" McCree's mouth felt dry as Hanzo undid the fly of the damnable tight jeans.  
"Keep those grey eyes on me."

McCree really loved his boyfriend, terrible fashion taste and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless the OW Big Bang group. This is for ya'll.  
> Edit: I WAS TOLD SOMEONE HAD ALREADY DRAWN HIM IN THIS  
> http://baytrix.tumblr.com/post/150469882290/mirodis-exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear
> 
> God bless this fandom. God bless us, everyone.


	5. Lost in Translation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genji is a lil shit part 9885542898532  
> Nc-17 for smutty talk oh la la

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics for Japanese because shit son I don't trust google translate if anyone wants to legit translate the stuff please let me know I would enjoy tormenting others greatly thank bye

McCree had once again, said something obscene.  
Normally, Hanzo didn't care, but that was when the cowman said something in English. No, now, it was in Japanese. Practiced, correct Japanese. Which meant someone had to be teaching McCree these horrid phrases. 

_"I want to fuck you until you can't walk anymore."_  
In English, Hanzo could just use it against McCree, but the reality was that the cowman was not so overt or crude to go THAT far. Insufferable, yes. Crass, yes. But crude and obscene as to use bedroom talk in public spaces? No, not knowingly at any rate. A bit heavy in his normal flirtation but this?  
_"Let me show you how to ride a cowboy tonight Hanzo."_  
_"So I can suck that dragon dick?"_  
_"My cock is hard and needs a kiss."_  
_"Let me motor boat you."_  
_"I am into bondage."_  
_"Want to cum on my face sometime?"_  
_"Call me daddy."_  
_"Fuck my ass until I'm raw."_  
_"Sit on my face sugar."_

It never failed to make Hanzo blush, (for the wrong reason), and given the fact that Jesse's normal unpracticed Japanese was butchered and so accented it was almost undecipherable, Hanzo had only one person he could suspect that would be feeding McCree such lines.  
"McCree-san, just who is teaching you this?" McCree had cornered him against a wall, one hand in front of his face to prevent Hanzo from walking and from avoiding the handsome cowman's own eyes which were borderline bedroom. Damn the man for being attractive.

"Oh uh- how'd you know?" It took McCree by surprise, and he smiled pulling back. "You like it when I talk to ya in Japanese?"   
Hanzo hummed at him, eyes narrowing before he answered. "Perhaps. But It hasn't passed my notice that your phrases are.. practiced. It impresses me." McCree took a step back as if he'd been physically struck.  
"Darlin', that's the best praise ya could give a man."  
"Japanese is always more pleasing to the ear that your harsh American English slang." A half lie, Hanzo loved it when McCree took his voice into the lower octaves, especially when threatening the enemy. It was the kind of voice a man could dream of.  
"Aw, well now. I've been doing my best to impress ya. Would you hate it if I told you Genji's been giving me lessons?" 

Hanzo had his answer, though he had suspected as much. Another hum of contemplation left him as he resumed walking.  
"I see, thank you for your time Agent McCree."  
"Ah, hey Hanzo wait up-" He glared at McCree who was attempting to follow. No, he had business with Genji.  
...  
Actually, hand going to his chin, Hanzo had a better idea. Genji had wanted to torment him using McCree. Two could play at that game. Plus, he could imagine Genji's horrified cursing when he'd be forced to translate it back to McCree. 

" McCree, I would like you to know, _I would like you to fuck me until I cannot walk and if you are interested I will see you tonight_."  
"Uh- can ya repeat that?" McCree looked like Hanzo might have grown a second head.  
" _I would like you to fuck me until I cannot walk and if you are interested I will see you tonight._ " Hanzo said it slower in Japanese for McCree and for a while they repeated the phrase back to each other. It was ironic, and he couldn't help the slow smile that grew on his face when McCree got it right.

Later that night, at 9:12 to be exact, McCree's spurs were jingling loudly towards Hanzo's door and a tiny smile made it's way to the archer's mouth. The banging on the metal frame had him getting up leasurely, taking his time to answer. The sight of McCree, red in the face, panting, leaning on the door frame looking particularly determined was pleasing to say the least.  
"You-" He was gasping. Perhaps he'd run from across base?  
"Me." Hanzo looked down as McCree bent over, still trying to catch his breath.  
"You an't sass'n me are ya? You mean that? What you told me?" That determination was matched with a certain fire in the cowman's eyes, the same look he got in a heated battle or shootout.

Hanzo just smirked.  
"I did say if you were interested to come see me did I not?"

Hanzo normally cared when the cowman said something crude, but he figured in the future, he'd take a great pleasure in teaching McCree a few phrases. 

Just for fun.


End file.
